It is a time to rejoice when you hear you are pregnant. The happiness has no boundaries. But when you are faced to deal with a sudden and unexpected miscarriage, it is difficult to cope up. The bond between a mother and her child is unexplainable. You did not even look at your child and yet it is highly difficult to deal with the separation.
This period will come with numerous emotions. You will feel disconnected and disheartened most of the times. Even the strongest have a weak moment. The reality is hard to accept but you cannot run away from it. It is natural to feel so and there is no easy way out. You will need support during this time more than ever. You have to make sure you are in touch with your doctor to keep reporting your problems and deal with it the right way. Your partner is the most understandable person at this moment. You have to connect with them again and share what you feel physically and emotionally.
Coping with grief after miscarriage
Whatever you feel after a miscarriage is your real emotions. The grief is real and it needs to be dealt with patiently. It is not about how early in pregnancy you experienced the miscarriage because the bond between a baby and a mother is formed since the beginning and nobody can snatch your right to feel what you feel. People around you will try to help you in this time and console you in ways they know is best. But it is your duty to listen to yourself first. You will feel the loss deeply and emotions will occur and reoccur with time. Its your right to feel little or as much as you do. You have to heal before you move on.
You may feel certain emotions. We can classify them to help you relate:
- Exhaustion: It is the state of extreme tiredness physically and mentally. The weariness may or may not let you sleep peacefully.
- Confusion: It is not in your hands to completely understand things during this period. You will try to find thousand answers and may even fail in doing so. Just let the confusion pass because you need mental peace at this moment.
- Sorrow: The sorrow or grief that follows after such loss may become overwhelming. You will feel empty and helpless. Such moments need immense support from your partner and everyone you are close to.
- Guilt: You must know that it is not your fault. Miscarriages happen for reasons that cannot be defined or once that cannot be even called as reasons. You must not take the loss on yourself and keep beating yourself for something that just wasn’t in your hands.
- Anger: You will be out of control after such grief. Human emotions are tough to handle all at once. The state of confusion and guilt may lead to anger. You might have outbursts. You should keep in mind that you have to heal first.
Steps to help you cope up and get over it
- Stop accusing yourself
You have to know that if you keep blaming yourself for the mistake that wasn’t your fault to begin with, you will never truly heal. To be practical is a hard thing to do at such time but you must know that losing your reason-ability may lead you to nothing but darkness. You were a mother when you conceived and you will be a mother always.
- Take help from the surrounding
You will often feel irritation with the people who are trying to console you or cheer you up. Your family members will be nearest to you and will keep making sure you are okay. Don’t deny the help. Its okay to have some alone time but to purposely keep yourself in the dark will lead you to even more darkness. You must take help and be with people and try to reconnect.
- Go out and meet people
It is not sin to enjoy yourself. Some people take longer to cope up with the loss and some people take lesser time. Everyone has their own ways to deal with it. If you have been at home and in a corner, try to make some time and ask your friends to meet you outside. You can even arrange a gathering in your house if you want to. Try to go with the flow and make little things happen so that you feel occupied and connected.
Your life cannot come to a halt. Sure, you will need some space and time in the beginning but if you completely stop your life from happening, you are not doing yourself any favour. This is the time to let the grief roll over you and then take time to let it pass. But you will have to help yourself to let it pass and bring life to motion again. Things will start seeming pointless but you have to get up each morning with certain thoughts. You must involve yourself in things that may interest you. Join a book club, or go for an activity (swimming, running etc of course after consulting a doctor).
- Flourish your relationship with your partner again
It’s not right to say that things might stay the same between you and your partner right after you experience this loss. You will feel distant or irritated and its normal. But do not let things go to the extent that you create a distance between yourselves. He is a part of it too. Whatever you are feeling may be different but he is going through the same loss as you did. The most important thing is to keep the sanity and understanding between you both in such times.
You will even experience a downfall in your sex life at some point. The past may keep haunting and it will be a hurdle when it comes to your sexual intimacy with your partner. You shouldn’t leave your partner alone and unexplained at such time. Conversation is the key to a healthy path back. You will have to share what you feel every day. Try to explain the deepest thoughts even when it is difficult. Especially when it is difficult. This is a loss that you both share and you have to heal and grow together as well.
- Do not to be worried about future pregnancies
It is normal for a person to be scared when they deal with something terrible. We often start expecting the same thing to happen again and that leads us to nothing but even more stress.
You should know that it is completely possible to get pregnant again after a miscarriage. The uterus is said to be remarkably good at recovering from a miscarriage. You must obviously first check with your practitioner. They will be able to clearly indicate when you can start trying again.
It is best to wait until you decide to try again. You must be emotionally and physically ready for it. It is a known fact that women who had a miscarriage went on to have a healthy pregnancy the next time. You must be more open to talk to your practitioner and ask them all you need to. You should feel no shame in seeking support. First is your partner and your family. You can even seek advice from women who have experienced miscarriages and have had a healthy pregnancy later. Take time to heal and take care of yourself in every possible way. You don’t have to stay in this place forever.